Sunday, December 27, 2009
My past two entries have been a little strange. I was just channeling a 16 yr old Sharkie. She used to be really good with words especially when she is not feeling tops. Hope it was a good read though. I might be channeling her pretty often especially when everything else seem to fail me at trying to get my feelings out/across. Fictional work like that is a pretty good form of expression I reckon. Lol Somehow getting a year older and somewhat a little more mature does not seem to stop me from being just an emotional and vulnerable as I was when I was 16. So much for being wiser.
It's been a pretty quiet holiday for me. But thank U for the company. Stealing this off Lydia Chu's blog :P, Here's to the moments where we didn't think about right and wrong. Where we just lived, crossed our fingers, and hoped for the best. I think that summed it up pretty perfectly. Then we sorta crashed and burnt instead, but I dunno I think it was well worth it. As I lie back with my laptop propped on my lap, I can see my wall calender in front of me and boy has 2009 passed so quickly. A few days of it left, so I guess it's ok to say that it was an eventful year. I know I wouldn't have it any other way despite what happened. But more on that when the new year is knocking on our doors hey? Till my next post, don't be doing anything I won't be doing ;]
9:58 AM
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Their limbs entangled between the sheets as they gazed at each other. She took a deep breath, trying to take in as much as she can the image of him in front of her. His deep soulful eyes, the number of times she got lost in them were countless. His chiseled face and the rough facial hair she'd tease him about but secretly loved. She smiled at him, wishing he'd miss her when she was not around and think about her every waking moment. She knew when this whirlwind week was over, that was what she'd be doing... missing, yearning, thinking. She wondered if he really felt the way he said he did, or was she to him only an object of lust. Something so convenient and within reach, it was hard to resist. She hope that was not the case because to her, he was more than that. He was her mirror, the male version of her. As he leaned closer to kiss her, she closed her eyes and waited. Reaching forward to touch him, she opened her eyes with a start. Sitting up in her bed as her eyes adjusted to the darkness she realised she was alone.
Lying back down and hugging herself, she shook every thought of him out of her head. Clearly she was in this alone. Her feelings for him and about him were hers alone. He wanted no part of them, much less reciprocated them. Somehow if she thought that way, it was easy to move on. She thought about what woke her up. Was she really just something he lusted for and not cared about or loved or even liked? To be toyed with is one thing but to be taken for granted just like that was more heart breaking. Enough is enough, if he missed her she'll know. She got out of bed and turned the light on. Looking at herself in the mirror she undid her hair, combing her fingers through and letting it fall the way she liked it. Taking a bottle of cleaning agent in one hand and a rag in the other she purposely strode down her hallway to the smudged drawing staring menacingly back at her. It had to be done. With vigour, she cleaned every trace of his work. Finally, when it was done she stood back and looked at the white walls. Satisfied, she went back to her room and crawled back into bed. Removing any reminder of him was a start, she knew though that despite all that the memories live and is accessible whenever she wants them. For now they were safe at the back of her mind.
9:43 AM
Thursday, December 24, 2009
She looked in the mirror the other day, finally seeing a glimpse of herself that he saw. Her full lips, her eyes, she smiled to herself thinking bout the day he called her gorgeous. The moment was short lived but the memory will last. As she tried styling her hair before she headed out she remembered how he told her he liked it tied up loosely. Slowly and deliberately she carefully scooped up the length of her hair tying it the way he would've liked it, letting the loose ends frame her face. She never liked her hair that way, but catching her reflection she could not help but agree that there's a girlishness about her- one she usually keeps hidden- that comes through when her hair is done up like that. Examining herself one last time, she nodded and left the room.
Before leaving she saw the piece of work he'd left behind. He was good with his hands, an artist in his own right. His drawing was smudged now, the face he drew now just marks of fingerprints. She pressed her lips together remembering how that happened, an inebriated friend full of raw emotions had tried wiping the picture away with her bare hands saying he's gone now this has to go too. She stood there yelling in her head telling her to stop. She was clearing away traces of him ever being there. Looking at the picture now she wondered if it really was time to wipe it away. She'll ponder about it today, for now she really has to go. Her errands will not run themselves.
Tired and spent after a long day, she stepped into the bathroom for a shower. Her stubborn thoughts always drifting back to him no matter how hard she tried to distract herself. Slipping out of her clothes, she bit her lip thinking about the number of times they'd plan on doing this together but never getting down to it. Still gently biting her bottom lip, she smiled softly to herself embarrassed at the thought. They knew so much about each other, told each other things they'd tell no one else but there was still enough mystery and a sense of longing for each other that still made them shy when they got a little intimate.
All patted dry, changed and ready for bed she slipped between her sheets. Her head in the middle of her white pillow, an open eye wide awake just as she was. She could not shake her thoughts away from him. She missed him more as she sank further into her bed, remembering the way he'd gaze at her like she was the prettiest thing he'd ever seen while he stroke the side of her face gently. His rough fingers feel soothing against her smooth face. She turned her head a little to the side hoping to still smell him but the scent she was hoping for is not there. Her ripped sheets from when he was around had been thrown out, his scent has faded, even the things he'd moved in her room have somehow found themselves a new corner to rest. It's like he really never was there but the memories, the pictures all etched in her mind clinging to it for dear life. All those proved otherwise. She sighed to herself before succumbing to sleep, her mind too tired from having memories of them running through it all day. Another day awaits.
8:11 AM
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Yet another bright and sunny morning. I used to say the weather here reflects my mood but for the past few days it's been way too cheery next to me. It's picking up though. Or rather I'm picking up because I think I'm almost on par with this good day. Went to bed pretty late by normal standards... early by mine I reckon but was up at six still. About 3 hours later here I am. I think blogging is now my daily fix to just get rid of how I'm feeling before I conquer the rest of the day.
Been trying to keep busy, doing whatever that needs to be done. When I'm not sorting out the important stuff I'm either with kicking back with my friends that are still here or trying to do chores which I know won't get done once my days pick up and I get busier. Having need to distract myself and all that I've had a few goals in mind to want to achieve. Things I want to do before I get past my prime lol. I suppose I made a clear decision, and now as painful as it is to start my day thinking I'm alone or lonely coz everyone's left for the break and I pretty much am away from my rock and my family I know there are other things to worry about and deal with. It's almost the end of the year and boy what a year it's been. If you've read my blog since I've started it you know that at the very end of the year I do my reflections and resolutions post. I've been thinking of how I'd do it ... maybe with pictures and less words I dunno yet. But you'll see it when it's up. As for resolutions, I think I'm going to stop making them like I did when I started posting stuff here. I never really keep most of it anyway, I think resolutions for me are things I strive to do or changes I want to make but I never really took seriously. This time around I think I'd rather make goals, little achievable ones and work towards them. More satisfaction when it's achieved I reckon. I guess there really is a silver lining to every cloud, I'm tackling other issues head on now and keeping busy or trying to is helping me while I mend.
Furb (my friend who lives across the corridor from me)'s friend said something about being the stitches that heals her wounds. Say it with me now, "aaawwwwww." LoL but honestly that is really sweet and I need someone to do that for me. I guess my family back home and my friends are my stitches. You, yes you, if you're still here reading my page you served as one of my stitches too that is until recently when you turned into a cut that just added to my almost healed wound. The scar's going to be twice as deep now, probably a little more obvious too. Jo's already told me I'm a lil too harsh since me and the last one ended, he's afraid after this I'm going to turn cold and hard. I dunno hey, sometimes I just wanna stick to the fact that in order not to get your heart broken you gotta pretend you don't have one. But you gotta take the good with the bad, I can't appreciate having someone around if I didn't know how shite it would feel to not have them would I ? lol Enough talk bout you, I miss you still, heaps but no point thinking and yearning for and missing someone who doesn't feel the same way. Although I'll have you know, your quirks and sayings that rubbed off on me have stuck and I think will stick to me for a bit if not just be a part of who I am. So you see people who have touched you do leave their mark =p. You were right too, I don't put myself out there and I really can actually find someone. I hate to have to agree with you on that but if you're right I'll admit it. However, to the person who said you'll wait for me till I've healed coz you've got all the time in the world, how long would you want to wait? I don't even know how long I'm going to take. & please don't tell me you don't mind if I'm not properly healed coz you can help make it better because do you really want to be with someone who will put you second place until she realises she's over the people before you? I know what second best and being less important feels like, I can't do that to you. And K, saying I have a memory of a goldfish really isn't helping to win me over ok? lol. Derek, buddy if you pop by I hope things are working out fine on your end. You've been great, I'll speak to you later if I get you in time yeah? My darling wife if ur reading this I'm sorry lol, but furbs saw my msgs n phone calls lol n was telling me I'm pretty sought right now and she's going to tell you... but pls know I won't be leaving you lol. All I need is you and mistress 1 right now. I swear I think these boys have a radar that goes off as soon as I feel like I need to let people/things go. It was like that with J too, as soon as we ended I had someone I haven't spoken to in ages talking to me and telling me he'd like to give us a shot again. Ker-ray-zee!! They'll never be you M2, they may be better but they're not you. I'm feeling the way you feel bout the other except you haven't 'invested' so many yrs into me... well sorry I wasn't around 3 yrs ago. Thanks =p (c'mon you know how i say that). Need to get you out of my head, it isn't fair ur in mine and I'm not in yours.
Seriously enough bout you, off to the gym, then chores and work that I should've done. Arghhhh baby steps, baby steps till i grad and set all my plans in motion. Can't wait for that actually. Something to look forward to, and omg I hope I'm still here for my birthday so I can celebrate the way I intend. Oh and good vibrations syd or melb dont let me down people lol I think I'm letting myself down with the money I do not have... ughh. Aight gotta really run now. Another post later if I get bored more like when .. heh... gotta start on washing.. poor spongebob needs to get washed again lol.. sorry wifey =p
8:53 AM
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Just something I feel I hafta address before I go on ranting my daily dose.
Mistress no. 2: Dear Haifaa, it's ok to look like me, in fact be proud hahaha... but please in terms of behaviour and personality stay away from being your aunty Shaheera. Don't be lazy and always know what you want and work for it. Sometimes though please remember, things may not always turn out the way you want them to. When that happens, no matter how difficult it is be strong and accept it. Your family and friends will be there for you. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. So learn to let go and realise that if it's yours you will get it if not always move on coz good things can come and surprise you. Remember God and always be thankful for everything you experience. Good or bad they serve as lessons, the good makes you appreciate, the bad makes u realise how strong the human courage is. More than anything make something of yourself. Do not let things from your past haunt you. I remember telling someone dear to me (you know who you are =p) that your past shouldn't get in the way of who you are now and what you want to be in the future. Learn from your mistakes and know that you will not repeat them. No one has the right to judge you for the way you were, you're your own critic. So unlike me, please be a little nicer to yourself and only give yourself constructive criticisms. Self love is the best love there is. If you do not see your worth and love yourself, you will always settle for less and continue to do things that will hurt you. You can't make people happy or make a difference if you do not realise what you are capable of. I shall end here my lil darling. May you grow up beautiful and smart and make us all proud. Here's a pic of her and me...lol similarities uncanny right down to the facial expression =p... and yeah i got bored ok lol. 'Njoy!
7:28 AM
Monday, December 21, 2009
Afterall that I also realise one thing, I was never important to you I think. The other always had you, you were so convinced to not hurt her, and so keen to protect her from getting hurt. Maybe I never knew anything about you, that you were talking to her all along, but for now let's just give you the benefit of the doubt. You did what you did to protect her to keep her sane, as much as you considered me, that kinda consideration wasn't shown and I think for what I did I may have deserved that. I'm still confused bout how I really stand with you except for the fact that I'm second best. But I still know I did what I had to do and no matter what I mean every word I said to you. Read my other posts if you need to refresh ur memory. Fck Me.. still jaded :S
11:53 AM
I'm sorry but I did what I had to do. What I think is best for all involved. I'm already missing you... missing you like crazy. But like I told you, my conscience is hard to fight and when it tells me I need to do this because I can't hurt someone I don't even know more than I already have then I have no choice but to succumb to that. If anything I feel like this hurt or whatever that I'm going through is worth it because you won't feel like you're cheating anymore and the other will never have to know. Mistress no. 2, you will always have a special place with me =] I adore you, I care about you and even though you can't see it I l**e you. It took me quite abit to realise how much my like was really an L word for you. I hope things work out for you and that you find that job. Just a reminder of what I said before I hung up, if you ever need me and I know there'll be times you do I'm always here for you (refer to previous post and song =p) and yes it'll be really nice to get texts from you and to know that you think of me too. I'm cool with all that. Just I can't give you any replies but do understand and know that I'll be thinking of you too and that you're always going to be more than special to me =]
Already Gone- K. Clarkson
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone
meh i feel so sappy posting the whole song but i think it sums it up right..and trust me baby when I'm all ready and better I'll be so much stronger by your side even as a friend, I promise. I got ya ok? I miss you drainer, hanging up was the hardest. Always my baby... till i get over it =p
10:40 AM
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I think you know this is for you.... but do understand... despite all this, I really won't tolerate bullshit yeah. I'm nice but I trust you to know where the line is and to not cross it.. get it? Got it? Good. =]
I Got You - L. Lewis
A place to crash
I got you
No need to ask
I got you
Just get on the phone
I got you
Come and pick you up if I have to
What’s weird about it
Is we’re right at the end
And mad about it
Just figured it out in my head
I’m proud to say
I got you
Go ahead and say goodbye
I’ll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I’ll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you
I got you
Ain’t falling a part, or bitter
Let’s be bigger than that and remember
The cooling outdoor when you’re all alone
We’ll go on surviving
No drama, no need for a show
Just wanna say
I got you
Go ahead and say goodbye
I’ll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I’ll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you
Go ahead and say goodbye (go ahead)
I’ll be alright (say goodbye)
Go ahead and make me cry
I’ll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you
‘Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
And if it don’t feel right
You’re not losing me by letting me know
Go ahead and say goodbye (say goodbye)
I’ll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I’ll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you
Go ahead and say goodbye (go ahead)
I’ll be alright (say goodbye)
Go ahead and make me cry
I’ll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you
A place to crash
I got you
No need to ask
I got you